mezer's Xanga

Facing Myself

Sun, 13 Jul 2008 09:53:46 GMT

A funny incident happened to me yesterday which highlighted the fact that although I consider myself to be one of the most logical people I know, my ability to be illogical actually knows no bounds. The incident yesterday only highlighted a deeper problem though.

Ok, so let me explain. There was I at this wedding yesterday, and I noticed this cute girl, who I kinda know, and I eventually plucked up the courage to ask her for dinner sometime. Normally in these situations, my head says no, and wins the war, but not yesterday. Anyway, she said no (she has a boyfriend - who wasn't there, just before you ask), and I was slightly upset, but not for being turned down. No, it wasn't that at all. For if it had been that, I wouldn't be laughing at myself today. The real reason I was upset was I couldn't understand what I'd just done. Let me explain a bit further. There is actually another girl I like, and I've liked her for ages, but in a moment of irrationality, I asked another girl out on a date. Why? I don't know, and that is what upsets me. You see I'd like to say I've lost my patience with this other girl - a poor defence - but maybe it's because I'm bored, or worse still, lonely. But that doesn't explain things fully.

But then, looking a bit more carefully at my own life helps to shine the light on what happened yesterday. Because for all the time that I hate sin, I still give in to temptation, and that is a clear sign of irrationality. I have been irrational for a lot longer than yesterday. And that is what is frustrating. I can't deal with my sin. It goes against who I am, yet I know I am forgiven because of what Jesus has done for me. Yet my sin will always frustrate me, because I know that I'm meant to be better. And I will, but it will be God willing and acting in me.

Ok so back to the analysis of yesterday. Should I feel guilty? Well no not really. I only asked her out for dinner, I hadn't made any firm plans (in my head at least) to start a relationship-at least not yet anyway because I don't know how it would work out. Does this stop me from persuing the girl I really like? Again not really. I'm just a bit more aware of my own irrationality in this area.

But this whole situation has made me face up to who I really am. I'm not a totally logical person. Indeed I'm no vulcan. I'm going to have to deal with the contradtictions in myself and ask God for forgiveness when I screw up, which tends to be at least on a daily basis, if not much more frequently.

Happy to be me

Tue, 12 Feb 2008 19:38:40 GMT

For too long I've tried to be someone I'm not. When you're trying to be someone you're not you often feel discontent, thinking that you have to be doing something else, leaving some things in life behind and starting other things. Anyway, I'm happy to be me. I'm happy that I am not trying to be someone else, or trying to be myself in 5 years time, or whatever time in the future, but that I am me now, in 2008, young, free and single. And why is that? Well, I could put it down to being full of caffeine (though I don't really drink that much of it) or due to the fact that I slept well, though that only partially explains it, or maybe a better reason would be because I've actually done something which I hadn't done in a long time. Casting my burdens onto Jesus. 1 Peter 5:7 tells us we can do this in prayer, and maybe you might think that this seems a bit weird. Maybe I'm weird, yet I have a heavenly father that cares enough about me that I can cast my anxieties onto him.

You see I've been reluctant to do this recently, because I was wallowing in self pity about a couple of things, but moving my eyes from those that are inward focussed to ones which are looking upwards has helped me to stop wallowing and to start praising the one who loves me.

God has been good to me, even when I am unfaithful and when I choose to ignore him. He is gracious and compassionate, and will forgive those who have rebeled. So now I remember that I'm blessed.

Hopes and Dreams

Sun, 09 Dec 2007 09:48:37 GMT

For all too much of my life I over-analyse myself. I look at a particular action and try to break down the motivation behind it. I will ask myself 'Did I do that because of genuine care, or did I just do that for selfish ambition, so that I would look better in that persons sight than I did before?' For everytime I do this, the action no longer is genuine, but now becomes an almost planned action. And a lot of planned actions then are no longer filled with genuine care, but some kind of self serving principle. Now, I don't mean that someone who plans to give their time or money to someone or something is self-serving. But if they look at the motivation behind that action, even if they had been genuine, that has just been destroyed by the self analysis. They can no longer view that action as one which was genuine, because they are constantly thinking am I doing this for the right reasons?

I feel that over the last few months God has been performing some kind of open heart surgery on me. And a lot of this has started to open wounds which I didn't realise were there. The kind that reveal true motivations behind the actions. The problem comes when you can't first spot the motivation. When you can't do that, you start digging. When you start digging, you find some shocking realities.

Hence I'm work in progress. This year may be one where I've been reminded more of my weaknesses than my strengths. I'm reminded that I am in desperate need of grace. I remember the words of song that I have been listening to recently. The song talks about a mass murderer who's crimes are heinous but the writer finishes the song with these words 'And in my best behaviour I am really just like him, look beneath the floorboards for the secrets I have hid.' Suddenly the song has this owch feeling to it. From talking about a mass murderer to talking about himself. Another man who has self analysed.

So for now, my hopes and dreams are currently a work in progress too. I'm fighting the horrors self analysis has revealed. I'm trying to get back the focus of my existence. What I'm living for is something that is constantly under review, because everytime I may claim to live for eternity, almost my next action will show that I am living for this world. But maybe this self analysis will stop me assuming that I am living for my Father in heaven, and that everything will be fine. Repentance is not a one off action. It is a constant way of living. It is the way of the christian who acknowledges he/she can't do it on their own. They've messed up again, but they'd like the grace to try again, in God's strength and not their own.

What am I?

Fri, 26 Oct 2007 17:31:52 GMT

I was pondering this question before leaving work today. The reason for pondering on it is because of a certain female I'm meeting tomorrow for lunch. The question to myself was, Am I turning into the kind of person I most loathe, namely a jerk, or am I just a fool, or neither?

Let me try to explain what each one is:-

Jerk - The kind of guy who plays around with people's hearts knowing full well what he's doing and not caring who gets hurt, as long as he's getting what he wants (I really do loathe these people)

Fool - The kind of guy who doesn't really know what he's doing, he's kinda still into one girl, but is asking another girl out anyway.

Are we clear with definitions? Then judge for yourselves which one I fall into.

Tomorrow I'm going for lunch with a girl a quite like, except I keep on having to ask myself the same question, and I haven't yet produced a satisfactory answer for it. You see, up until last week, I really liked this other girl, but was coming to the realisation that nothing may come of the situation. And that hurts when everything else was pointing to the possibility that things could work. But I decided on 2 things. First, I needed to move on, regardless of how I was feeling. Second, to take situations a bit more lightly and see where they go rather than building up someone I liked only to realise later that they don't feel the same way.

Are you with me so far? You see the question I was asking myself was, 'Am I really over this girl I've liked for, goodness knows how long?' Hmm. The answer wasn't a NO, but it wasn't a resounding YES either. I then asked another question of 'If this girl asked me to lunch tomorrow, would I drop my plans with this other girl.' I was a bit more convinced with myself on this question, giving a more resounding NO, so came to the conclusion that I am not a jerk, but am I a fool? A fool for allowing myself to be in this situation. Or is this just the nature of love and life? Is 'replacement' therapy a viable, non-jerky option, or is it always destined to fail?

Well, I don't think I really have the answers to any of these questions, but maybe it is time to move on. I allowed enough time for the other girl to change her mind(and she didn't) and this other girl I'm going for lunch with is lovely, and it's not as if it's a date per se. It's more like a scouting lunch. Seeing where we are. Seeing how we get along. I shouldn't need to feel the pressure to perform. Because, if we don't get along well as just friends, what hope is there for anything more right? OK, after a few more years, I'm still none the wiser.

I'm going to watch Lord of the Rings now, 3 nights, 3 films, how awesome will that be!!

I can't sleep

Tue, 02 Oct 2007 23:21:48 GMT

I don't know why but I can't sleep. Seeing as I can't sleep and there isn't much else to do at 1 oclock in the morning, i thought I'd blog.

It may be that I'm quite excited cause I'm gettin my first car, but that doesn't really explain it. Maybe it's cause I'm moving jobs, but again that doesn't explain it. Man, I'm not even very tired, which sucks. Cause I'm going to be cream crackered come tomorrow mornin. Hmm, what to do...

About what Sucks (part II)

Sat, 29 Sep 2007 22:28:46 GMT

Seeing as I have a blog with this title before (though I can't remember what I wrote in it), I have had to name this part II. Ok so there are 2 things which suck at the moment. Number 1 is Wales suck at rugby. They lost to Fiji today and that sucks. I mean how could they be so poor. Their defence was almost nonexistent. Well that sucks and I now have to hang my head in shame till the next six nations. So that is what sucks 1st and foremost. Or is it?

Well you see the second thing that sucks is the girl (she will always be referred to as the girl to protect her identity, and mine for that matter.) Well maybe it isn't the girl herself but my prospects with her, which currently feel like they are nonexistent. I went to a party which she was also at and realised that maybe this is the time to give up the dream. Not that she was horrible to me in any way. Just that it seems clear to me that I am not at the centre of her thoughts as much as she is of mine. In one way it may be a good time to give up the chase. But in my mind there are still good reasons as to why we were a good match. And I don't want to persue anyother girl and feel like I'm settling for second best. I'll let things be for the time being. At least this way i'm getting bigger chunks of reality, even if I can't digest them all each time.

Beautifully Unavailable

Mon, 17 Sep 2007 21:10:37 GMT

She is the epitome of being beautifully unavailable. What does that mean you may ask? Well it's a self coined phrase. And it really describes my current assesment of the girl. Because as beauiful as she is (beautiul here defined by inner as well as outer aspects of a person) she is also currently unavailable to me. Or at least that's what I figure for the moment. Because it would be fulhardy to try anything at the moment. I need to give the situation more time and get as objective a view of the situation. Hence she is Beautifully Unavailable.

Looking back on 'She was meant to be the one,' nothing has really changed. At least not on my part and that kinda sucks. It also sucks that we still get along really well and have some good banter together. I almost think it would be better if we didn't get along and I could see that there was a good reason why things didn't work out. But, but, but that isn't the case. I should be thankful for the gift of friendship yet I'm inpatient and want things on my terms. I want more than what is currently on offer. There's nothing yet which has fully convinced me away from my opinion of her being 'the one'(except for the fact that when I asked her, she didn't feel the same way!!)

And you see that is the problem given that we're 3 months on from when I asked her. Usually feelings die and die quickly. Normally this is supplimented by replacement therapy. Yet replacement therapy has not really happened this time. And it's not as if there hasn't been the opportunity to let this happen. But for almost every alternative that has turned up (in my head that is), each one has been knocked back (again in my head) because compared to the one who is beautifully unavailable, they fall short, there's something which wouldn't be the same if I had a relationship with them, and it wouldn't be fair either. Because as long as I harbour feelings for, every other girl is off limits. Because not only would I betray my own feelings, I betray the other person with my feelings. I've always thought that people who like one person, but consider dating someone else are not being honest with themselves. Yet, I have been in that situation before. Maybe I shouldn't judge too harshly.

Good gifts

Fri, 14 Sep 2007 15:28:32 GMT

Well, It's been a while and I doubt anyone reads this anymore, so this is a little rant to myself. How often do I forget the good gifts that God has given me. Or how often so I not acknowledge the good gift giver. Or maybe more to the point, how often do i not acknowledge that it was a gift I was given and not a right I had earned? Well, having been offered a new job in my 'dream' department, for once I was able to acknowledge that a) it was a gift and b) it was a good gift from God. For that I am thankful. But too often I expect things to happen in my way, according to my plan. So when things don't work out my way, I get dissappointed and will moan about the fact that things haven't gone my way. But the question I have to ask myself at that point is, what right do I have to demand that things go my way. I mean, I haven't earned a way for things to go my way. In fact I do everything but earn my way.

You see the problem is, is that I still want to be king. And I still want to earn my way in this life. It's only when I realise that all I have is given to me by God, as an undeserved gift, can I acknowlege how great my loving heavenly father is. I have been given so many good things by God. Materially, I have been incredibly blessed. But much much more than that, I have recieved Grace for the forgiveness of my sins. I have been given a family(both church and physical) that love me and I love them too.

And after reflecting on my last blog, maybe too much time has been spent by my good self expecting things to work out, cause basically I'm quite a good guy, and afterall I deserve it, don't I? That's exactly the point. NO, I don't deserve it. But if God so chooses to grant me another good worldly gift, I will not complain. However, if he chooses not to give me this, it's because he doesn't think that it's best for me. Our loving heavenly father wants to give us good gifts. So if he doesn't give us what we want, either we might be expecting it as our right, and he wants us to learn that it's a gift not a right, or maybe he's saying no not yet, or no not at all, this isn't right at the moment. I want to give you something better, or I want to give it to you when I think you need it.

She was meant to be the one

Tue, 26 Jun 2007 19:32:30 GMT

So I'm here again, slightly wallowing in self pity. Yet it feels as if this pain will last longer than many that have gone before. It will last longer cause my judge of character is improving and things seemed made for us. Yet it will hurt much more because I still, after 24 years, can not read the signs or understand women at all.

I blogged a few months ago about how blokes are ultimately very stupid. It's still true, yet there were a few things that I did that I don't regret:
1) I asked her - takes guts and meant I didn't allow the friendship become vague
2) I like her - My judge of character was right, even if my understanding of a woman isn't

Seeing as she doesn't like me the same way I do, there was never going to be a 'good' outcome to this. The best I could hope for is a polite 'no' with a friendship intact. But for one very weird reason, I don't feel as if I should give up, or not yet at least. You see, there are too many things which are right about her. And I say this, not from a deluded perspective, because surely I should be hating her about now, but from an almost objective sense of how I think and feel. I haven't abandoned reason, at least not yet. She is very beautiful, but it's not looks which attracted me to her, it was her, her slightly sarcastic way, her pedantry ways, her encouraging ways.

You see, I saw almost everything that I need/want in a wife in her, and yet it seems to be the wrong time, wrong person, or at least wrong time. It may appear that I have abandoned reason, to continue the pursual, yet I believe that I need to try again. Not now of course, that would be foolhardy. But give it a few months. See where things are at christmas. By then I may have 'returned to my senses' and found somebody else more amazing. Or by then it may be obvious that this isn't going to happen at all, or maybe even (and now the optimist speaks) she'll like me and I was right all along. Either way, I'm not giving up. Not yet at least

The Girl is Beautiful

Fri, 22 Jun 2007 21:33:04 GMT

The Girl is Beautiful
The Boy is scared
The Girl is Beautiful
The Boy can't sleep

The Girl is Beautiful
The Boy is in love
The Girl is Beautiful
The boy can't eat

The Girl is Beautiful
The Boy is silent
The Girl is Beautiful
The Boy is excited

The Girl is Beautiful
The Boy needs to ask
The Girl is Beautiful
The Boy's fear's from the past

The Girl is Beautiful
The Boy can be
The Girl is Beautiful
The Boy will be free