For all too much of my life I over-analyse myself.   I look at a particular action and try to break down the motivation behind it.  I will ask myself 'Did I do that because of genuine care, or did I just do that for selfish ambition, so that I would look better in that persons sight than I did before?'  For everytime I do this, the action no longer is genuine, but now becomes an almost planned action.  And a lot of planned actions then are no longer filled with genuine care, but some kind of self serving principle.  Now, I don't mean that someone who plans to give their time or money to someone or something is self-serving.  But if they look at the motivation behind that action, even if they had been genuine, that has just been destroyed by the self analysis.  They can no longer view that action as one which was genuine, because they are constantly thinking am I doing this for the right reasons?

I feel that over the last few months God has been performing some kind of open heart surgery on me.  And a lot of this has started to open wounds which I didn't realise were there.  The kind that reveal true motivations behind the actions.  The problem comes when you can't first spot the motivation.  When you can't do that, you start digging.  When you start digging, you find some shocking realities.

Hence I'm work in progress.  This year may be one where I've been reminded more of my weaknesses than my strengths.  I'm reminded that I am in desperate need of grace.  I remember the words of song that I have been listening to recently.  The song talks about a mass murderer who's crimes are heinous but the writer finishes the song with these words 'And in my best behaviour I am really just like him, look beneath the floorboards for the secrets I have hid.'  Suddenly the song has this owch feeling to it.  From talking about a mass murderer to talking about himself.  Another man who has self analysed.

So for now, my hopes and dreams are currently a work in progress too.  I'm fighting the horrors self analysis has revealed.  I'm trying to get back the focus of my existence.  What I'm living for is something that is constantly under review, because everytime I may claim to live for eternity, almost my next action will show that I am living for this world.  But maybe this self analysis will stop me assuming that I am living for my Father in heaven, and that everything will be fine.  Repentance is not a one off action.  It is a constant way of living.  It is the way of the christian who acknowledges he/she can't do it on their own.  They've messed up again, but they'd like the grace to try again, in God's strength and not their own.

Currently Listening Illinois By Sufjan Stevens John Wayne Gacy, JR. see related