Facing Myself

A funny incident happened to me yesterday which highlighted the fact that although I consider myself to be one of the most logical people I know, my ability to be illogical actually knows no bounds.  The incident yesterday only highlighted a deeper problem though.

Ok, so let me explain.  There was I at this wedding yesterday, and I noticed this cute girl, who I kinda know, and I eventually plucked up the courage to ask her for dinner sometime.  Normally in these situations, my head says no, and wins the war, but not yesterday.  Anyway, she said no (she has a boyfriend - who wasn't there, just before you ask), and I was slightly upset, but not for being turned down.  No, it wasn't that at all.  For if it had been that, I wouldn't be laughing at myself today.  The real reason I was upset was I couldn't understand what I'd just done.  Let me explain a bit further.  There is actually another girl I like, and I've liked her for ages, but in a moment of irrationality, I asked another girl out on a date.  Why?  I don't know, and that is what upsets me.  You see I'd like to say I've lost my patience with this other girl - a poor defence - but maybe it's because I'm bored, or worse still, lonely.  But that doesn't explain things fully.

But then, looking a bit more carefully at my own life helps to shine the light on what happened yesterday.  Because for all the time that I hate sin, I still give in to temptation, and that is a clear sign of irrationality.  I have been irrational for a lot longer than yesterday.  And that is what is frustrating.  I can't deal with my sin.  It goes against who I am, yet I know I am forgiven because of what Jesus has done for me.  Yet my sin will always frustrate me, because I know that I'm meant to be better.  And I will, but it will be God willing and acting in me.

Ok so back to the analysis of yesterday.  Should I feel guilty?  Well no not really.  I only asked her out for dinner, I hadn't made any firm plans (in my head at least) to start a relationship-at least not yet anyway because I don't know how it would work out.  Does this stop me from persuing the girl I really like?  Again not really.  I'm just a bit more aware of my own irrationality in this area.

But this whole situation has made me face up to who I really am.  I'm not a totally logical person.  Indeed I'm no vulcan.  I'm going to have to deal with the contradtictions in myself and ask God for forgiveness when I screw up, which tends to be at least on a daily basis, if not much more frequently.

Happy to be me

For too long I've tried to be someone I'm not.  When you're trying to be someone you're not you often feel discontent, thinking that you have to be doing something else, leaving some things in life behind and starting other things.  Anyway, I'm happy to be me.  I'm happy that I am not trying to be someone else, or trying to be myself in 5 years time, or whatever time in the future, but that I am me now, in 2008, young, free and single.  And why is that?  Well, I could put it down to being full of caffeine (though I don't really drink that much of it) or due to the fact that I slept well, though that only partially explains it, or maybe a better reason would be because I've actually done something which I hadn't done in a long time.  Casting my burdens onto Jesus. 1 Peter 5:7 tells us we can do this in prayer, and maybe you might think that this seems a bit weird.  Maybe I'm weird, yet I have a heavenly father that cares enough about me that I can cast my anxieties onto him.

You see I've been reluctant to do this recently, because I was wallowing in self pity about a couple of things, but moving my eyes from those that are inward focussed to ones which are looking upwards has helped me to stop wallowing and to start praising the one who loves me.

God has been good to me, even when I am unfaithful and when I choose to ignore him.  He is gracious and compassionate, and will forgive those who have rebeled.  So now I remember that I'm blessed.

Currently Listening Last One Picked By Superchic(k) see related

Hopes and Dreams

For all too much of my life I over-analyse myself.   I look at a particular action and try to break down the motivation behind it.  I will ask myself 'Did I do that because of genuine care, or did I just do that for selfish ambition, so that I would look better in that persons sight than I did before?'  For everytime I do this, the action no longer is genuine, but now becomes an almost planned action.  And a lot of planned actions then are no longer filled with genuine care, but some kind of self serving principle.  Now, I don't mean that someone who plans to give their time or money to someone or something is self-serving.  But if they look at the motivation behind that action, even if they had been genuine, that has just been destroyed by the self analysis.  They can no longer view that action as one which was genuine, because they are constantly thinking am I doing this for the right reasons?

I feel that over the last few months God has been performing some kind of open heart surgery on me.  And a lot of this has started to open wounds which I didn't realise were there.  The kind that reveal true motivations behind the actions.  The problem comes when you can't first spot the motivation.  When you can't do that, you start digging.  When you start digging, you find some shocking realities.

Hence I'm work in progress.  This year may be one where I've been reminded more of my weaknesses than my strengths.  I'm reminded that I am in desperate need of grace.  I remember the words of song that I have been listening to recently.  The song talks about a mass murderer who's crimes are heinous but the writer finishes the song with these words 'And in my best behaviour I am really just like him, look beneath the floorboards for the secrets I have hid.'  Suddenly the song has this owch feeling to it.  From talking about a mass murderer to talking about himself.  Another man who has self analysed.

So for now, my hopes and dreams are currently a work in progress too.  I'm fighting the horrors self analysis has revealed.  I'm trying to get back the focus of my existence.  What I'm living for is something that is constantly under review, because everytime I may claim to live for eternity, almost my next action will show that I am living for this world.  But maybe this self analysis will stop me assuming that I am living for my Father in heaven, and that everything will be fine.  Repentance is not a one off action.  It is a constant way of living.  It is the way of the christian who acknowledges he/she can't do it on their own.  They've messed up again, but they'd like the grace to try again, in God's strength and not their own.

Currently Listening Illinois By Sufjan Stevens John Wayne Gacy, JR. see related

What am I?

I was pondering this question before leaving work today.  The reason for pondering on it is because of a certain female I'm meeting tomorrow for lunch.  The question to myself was, Am I turning into the kind of person I most loathe, namely a jerk, or am I just a fool, or neither?

Let me try to explain what each one is:-

Jerk - The kind of guy who plays around with people's hearts knowing full well what he's doing and not caring who gets hurt, as long as he's getting what he wants (I really do loathe these people)

Fool - The kind of guy who doesn't really know what he's doing, he's kinda still into one girl, but is asking another girl out anyway.

Are we clear with definitions? Then judge for yourselves which one I fall into.

Tomorrow I'm going for lunch with a girl a quite like, except I keep on having to ask myself the same question, and I haven't yet produced a satisfactory answer for it.  You see, up until last week, I really liked this other girl, but was coming to the realisation that nothing may come of the situation.  And that hurts when everything else was pointing to the possibility that things could work.  But I decided on 2 things.  First, I needed to move on, regardless of how I was feeling.  Second, to take situations a bit more lightly and see where they go rather than building up someone I liked only to realise later that they don't feel the same way.

Are you with me so far?  You see the question I was asking myself was, 'Am I really over this girl I've liked for, goodness knows how long?'  Hmm.  The answer wasn't a NO, but it wasn't a resounding YES either.  I then asked another question of 'If this girl asked me to lunch tomorrow, would I drop my plans with this other girl.'  I was a bit more convinced with myself on this question, giving a more resounding NO, so came to the conclusion that I am not a jerk, but am I a fool?  A fool for allowing myself to be in this situation. Or is this just the nature of love and life?  Is 'replacement' therapy a viable, non-jerky option, or is it always destined to fail?

Well, I don't think I really have the answers to any of these questions, but maybe it is time to move on.  I allowed enough time for the other girl to change her mind(and she didn't) and this other girl I'm going for lunch with is lovely, and it's not as if it's a date per se.  It's more like a scouting lunch.  Seeing where we are.  Seeing how we get along.  I shouldn't need to feel the pressure to perform.  Because, if we don't get along well as just friends, what hope is there for anything more right?  OK, after a few more years, I'm still none the wiser.

I'm going to watch Lord of the Rings now, 3 nights, 3 films, how awesome will that be!!

I can't sleep

I don't know why but I can't sleep.  Seeing as I can't sleep and there isn't much else to do at 1 oclock in the morning, i thought I'd blog.

It may be that I'm quite excited cause I'm gettin my first car, but that doesn't really explain it.  Maybe it's cause I'm moving jobs, but again that doesn't explain it.  Man, I'm not even very tired, which sucks.  Cause I'm going to be cream crackered come tomorrow mornin.  Hmm, what to do...